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(an excerpt from the Book of Johnson)


Revealed and dispelled by the Johnson as was revealed to them by the great Johnson and the Great Third Leg of the Universe.

Forget everything “they” have told you.  Realize what things you know that you have told yourself.  Find out how you have pieced together information and produced an original thought that you have created and put into existence.

We have all been force feed mind-numbing propaganda both consciously and subconsciously. “ They” try to control your experiences through laws, standards, and social acceptability.  “They” have created boogey monsters and have praised the wicked before our very eyes.  “They” tell us to believe or die.  “They” support the team mentality and make every attempt to crush the spirit of the individualist.

A Johnson does not believe in the myths that “they” have created.  A Johnson creates its own myths and lives in fear and adoration of those. The Johnson will not be fooled.  The Johnson is not a follower, but a leader of itself.

The Johnson must be deprogrammed and brought through the rigorous exercises of unlearning.  Myths that alter the thought patterns and conclusions of a creature should be dispelled at all cost.  The Johnson mind must be clear of impurities. Before one can enter the mind-state of the Johnson, one must forget all that they think they know and start anew.




The Devil

The Devil is a large monster with big horns and red skin. The Devil lives in a place under the Earth called Hell. If you piss God off he will make you go to Hell when you die. When you get to Hell the Devil will eternally torture your soul for God. According to the Christian, Jew and Muslim “holy” books it is very easy to piss God off. You can believe and live by this myth of the big three cults or you can live a much easier life as a Johnson.

The Good Cop

The good cop protects people from vile criminals.  The good cop wants to make the community it lives in a safer place to be.  The good cop doesn’t want to give you trouble; it is just doing its job. The good cop is a myth propagated by “them”.

The good cop could not exist, and the Johnson knows this through its disbelief of myths.  The Johnson knows that all of the king’s men are enforcing laws that “they” have put upon us.  We do not follow the laws of Jonesism.  We will not bow down to “them”.

The good cop that “they” speak of is good only to “them”.  All cops are bad cops and all cops are working to put an end to our existence.  Their goal is to stamp out the Johnson and leave the world a barren desert of mediocrity and subordination.  The righteous shall not suffer a cop to live.  

Fair Government

Government, by its very nature and reason for existence, is fair to nothing and no one but itself. Government was a creation of the Jones long ago in the early days of strife. Government was invented as a weapon to use against us. The “laws” it creates are to be enforced on us and not them. The gun of government is always pointed at your head, or that’s what they would have you believe. The well studied Johnson knows who and what it is dealing with when it comes into contact with its would be oppressor. The Johnson will hide themselves amidst the masses of Jones and engulf themselves in a cloak of anonymity until the time is right for the Johnson to make itself know, for “them” it will be too late.



The idea that democracy is somehow beneficial to any Johnson is ludicrous. Democracy is a philosophy that espouses majority rule, a team mentality and conformity for survival. Many have been taught by the Jones to believe that if a majority of people agree then whatever they are agreeing on must be correct. Logic, common sense and the slightest understanding and appreciation for individuality prove this to be incorrect. For example, when nine people are stoning one man to death then it is assured that democracy is failing for at least one of ten people in the aforementioned situation and can you guess which one of them was a Johnson. We are the victims of this sick idea of society. Democracy is always bad for someone, usually us..

Double Coupons

There is no such thing as a free lunch at the Jones’s grocery store.

Tipping Strippers Gets You Laid

Save your money. The stripper is not taking her clothes off for you because it expects you to do the same. A stripper is like someone that can bare-handedly clean a toilet while smiling and appearing to enjoy it.

A Fair Trial

A fair trial of your peers will never happen in the courts of the Jones. Being a Johnson, only one point two jurors on your jury would be your true peers. The Justice that the Jones refers to is what we call persecution.



 Myths that they teach you need to be known as myths. When people base beliefs on stories of fear and false trust it leads to the worst kind of destruction. The destruction of the Johnson and the limpening of the third leg is what belief in myths will cause. The third leg must remain strong, for the tripod will always stand firm.


The Johnson is not a mere Tool.





Church of Johnson © 2000-2003