The Revelation of the Johnson

(This is an excerpt from the Book of Johnson.)

as revealed to us by the spirit of the Johnson.

I stood amidst the clouds of the sky and as far as could be seen there was nothing. The air was still and there was a deafening silence that no description could give justice. I heard a voice from behind me that spake unto me as that of a million lighters igniting at once saying “check this shit out”. I turned to see standing behind me three churches and I said “woe”.

The three churches were all there was and they rested on a plane of stone and earth. The sounds from the churches sliced through the horrible silence like a razor to my ear. From the first church came the sounds of mourning and regret and of fear of what was about to come. From the second church arose the piercing sound of torturous screams of pain and agony and the sounds of death. And from the third church I heard much rejoicing.

The first church looked like that of earthly nature with wood and green things of all kinds surrounding and engulfing it and feeding off of its inhabitants like some kind of massive parasite. The first church was like a mighty tree that stood tall and forever reached upward trying to grasp for something that wasn’t there. The sounds or weeping and mourning and regret became louder and more desperate.

The second church was built of white marble and gold. Tall towering pillars lined the front of the second church and it was shining with gems and of all earthly riches and opulence. The sounds of self-torturing wicked imbeciles destroying themselves bellowed from its grand hallways. The screams of torment grew louder and louder until they permeated the atmosphere and drowned out all other noise with the sound of a fear of something unknown.

And then I saw the third church, that it was very small. But the sound of rejoicing cut through the misery that I had been hearing and overcame all of the sounds from the other churches. The third church was ablaze with the fires of hell that came from it climbing higher than my eyes could see and it filled the sky with blackness. At the base of the church were the treads of a tank and atop of it was a mighty cannon. This was the Church of Johnson and the joyous screams of the hellraisers within filled the air and its flames shined its light on the other churches.

The clouds began to rumble and shake all around me. All of the atmosphere was being ignited by the fire of the third church. The mighty phallic cannon that stood firm out of the fire of the third church penetrated the orifice of the second church and filled it with the fires of hell and the sounds of torment were silenced. The tank treads of the Church of Johnson began to roll, crushing everything that was beneath them. The third church moved onto the second church crumbling it beneath its treads and the second church was no more.

As the Church of Johnson stood rigid in the place where the second church once was, all of the leaves and the green things of the first church began to wilt and die. The cannon of the Johnson then shot another load into the face of the first church and glazed it completely. The lost souls from within the first church began to flee only to be frightened by the Johnson and its awesome power. A voice like that of a thousand thunderclouds came from the Johnson and it spake “Do not mourn, do not weep with regret, come out from the shelter that you have built to protect yourself from the truth, come out and bath in the truth and drink and quench thyself so that you may have no regret and nothing to mourn”. But those who had begun to flee saw what had happened to the second church and that it was no more and they were scared. They would not leave the shelter of the myths that they had created, instead the buried themselves deeper into it and made even more. The flames of hell engulfed the first church and it burned down to white-hot coals and the Johnson cooked pork upon it.

Now there was only one church and it was the church of truth. The sounds of incoherent joy and the smell of barbequed pork filled the air. And I heard a voice come from the flames of the pit where the first church once stood and it spake to me saying “ this is the nature of the church, this is the truth, the truth of the Johnson shall destroy all of the myths created by men to make them feel fear or regret or mourning, this is the aftermath of the cosmic orgasm of the third leg of the universe, this is the domination of all things by the Johnson, the Johnson is firm and we shall raise hell forever”.

I turned to look behind me and I found myself standing in the wilderness. The symbols of the Johnson surrounded me and they comforted me. A raging fire was there before me and a voice spake unto me saying, “this is where it shall begin. This is where it began long ago and this is where it shall begin with you and your kind. This is where the Church of Johnson will become mobile. You are to assemble the treads of the tank of the Church of Johnson so that it may go forth and dominate all that is false in the world”. I was overwhelmed with the meanings that came from each of the symbols that surrounded me and they began to glow with an eerie light and colorful smoke came from each of them.

I heard the voice again and it said unto me “Drink from the chalice and consume all of its comfort.” I looked before me and there stood an altar, and in the center of the altar was a small cup. The cup was black and had the face of death upon it, but I feared it not. I grasped the chalice and within it was the fiery liquid of the Johnson and I saw the number one hundred and the triple x. I drank from the chalice because I felt no fear. The drink burned my belly and I could feel the flames of hell rising from within my own self. I puked fire and it comforted me and I knew that it was good.

I saw blood flow from a tapestry that stood before me that I had not noticed before. The blood began to form words. As the blood spilled forth it spelled out the phrase “Born to Raise Hell!” and I knew that this was true.

The great voice spake unto me again saying, “you do not fear because you are of the Johnson and the Johnson fears not the myths of man for the Johnson has fully consumed the universal truth”.

And then I looked upon the altar and there in the center of the altar was a can that was of the colors of the America that I knew had been stolen from us. And on the altar was a single red candle that burned atop of a golden chalice and a blade that was inscribed with sacred symbols and ancient texts.

The voice spake to me again saying “Take in all of the land that is yours in the way of the Johnson and not in the way of Jones for the Jones is that of the other churches and it is false. Do not follow in ‘their’ footsteps through the front door and behind the velvet rope. Enter in through the walls that ‘they’ have built to keep you out, for no barriers created by man shall stand in the way of the truth of the Johnson.”

I took a blade in my right hand and the can in my left hand. I pierced the side of the can twice with the blade and made the symbol of death in the wall of the can and then I opened it up. I put my mouth at the opening that I had created and as the prescribed door to the can was opened all that was within the can was instantly within me and filled me with joy for I had made my own way that was superior to the one that “they” had made for me and I used their own design against them. I knew that the Johnson is superior.

I looked before me at the altar and there stood a second red candle burning atop of the web of a great spider and I knew that it would catch much in its web and that it would have a great feast and I saw that this was good.

And at the altar were three pipes. One pipe was small and wooden and looked like death. Another pipe was made of metal and it shined in the light of the fire. The other pipe was as large as a midget and covered with sacred symbols of wisdom and images of things holy and it had within it the purifying waters and it stood before the altar. And all of the pipes were full.

The voice spake to me again saying, “These are the pipes of the world. These are the pathways of life that come from where you have been and lead to where you are going. These paths are paved with your decisions and the three roads you see before you are awaiting their construction. You are a Johnson and will smoke a path. What path do you choose?”

I looked at the choices before me and it was obvious to me which path was correct for all who are of the Johnson. I stood before the altar and spake aloud saying proudly to the voice “I shall smoke it all! For the Johnson will not sacrifice that which is on any path before it and the Johnson will put a flame to all of the bricks of all of the paths before it.” And I smoked from all three of the pipes on the altar.

The voice again spake unto me saying, “This is the way of the Johnson”. And before me on the altar between the other two candles stood a third, taller red candle that burned atop of a blackened angel that was bound in stocks and irons and from it shined the light of wisdom. And the voice spake again saying, “This is the Johnson way”.

As I stood before the altar I heard the sound of music play in the wilderness. All of the symbols of the Johnson burst into flames and the aggression of the music filled the air and I screamed with joy. The atmosphere was charged of the spirit of the Johnson. The land was blessed and it had been made holy.

I looked toward the south and out of the wilderness emerged a Johnson that carried a bottle and on the bottle was a green label and it said one hundred. The Johnson approached the fire and held the bottle before him and said, “I am the Waldo. I hold the bottle that is the key. I am the keeper of the bottle and only for the Waldo shall the seal be broken. And then may the Johnson puke fire.”

I looked again to the south and saw another Johnson emerge from the wilderness. And the Johnson spake, “I am Johnson. I piss blood. I shall create the pools of piss that we shall baptize ‘them’ in”. And he stood by the fire and screamed with joy.

I turned to the south once more and saw two more Johnsons coming up from the wilderness and they each carried meat. One of them said unto the rest of us, “I cook pork. The pig is to be eaten. The pig is not to be obeyed or followed or admired for anything more than its tender chops. We are Johnson. We eat pork”. And they began to cook the pork.

More and more Johnsons emerged from the wilderness from all directions and the came to the fire and all around it. And the music had changed to the sound of a slow strum. And from the crowd I heard a voice shout, “Where’s Waldo”. And all of the Johnsons shouted “Where is Waldo?” And from the crowd I saw a fist over the heads of the rest of the Johnson that held the bottle with the green label and I shouted “there is the Waldo, and only for the Waldo shall the seal be broken”. And the Waldo said, “Amen”.

As the Waldo loosened the seal all of the Johnson made noise and rejoiced. We all took in the wisdom of the Johnson. All of the Johnson achieved the state of enlightenment. All had achieved the Johnsonian state and thus brought the spirit of Johnson to earth and had made its foundation on which it shall move forth and know that it is Johnson. The Johnson Raised Hell.

Amen.