We are the Johnson.

We have achieved the state of the Johnson. We are one with the Universe and have become its third and most important leg.


he Johnson is pure. The Johnson is born with spite for the institutions of Jonesian society. The Church of Johnson is not bogged down with useless dogma. The Church of Johnson will never ask you to walk in the footsteps of or have any admiration for those that you have never met. We are not a death cult. We are not a love cult. We thrive on hatred of mediocrity and believe in the Johnsons natural ability to raise hell.

Don’t be another victim.

The Church can show you the way to salvation through, a renewed life before death, a new view of the world that has been hidden from you for far too long or it will destroy what small inkling of a fragile existence that you have left in your pre-branded cattle-like meat carcass. By careful study of this book and some of the techniques and skills taught within, the Johnson may find how it is possible for us to exist in this in what we have known for so long as “the Land of the Joneses”.


About Violence in the Church of Johnson

The Church of Johnson does not promote senseless violence in any way, be it towards a Johnson or even a Jones. Our enemies will perish and we will have our opportunity to witness the downfall of the Jones as it says in the scriptures left to us by the ancient Johnsons of the past. The Johnson will know when the time comes.

Do it the right way.

If you haven’t joined the Church yet, then you should do so immediately.

If the Johnson does not learn the ways of releasing the energy then the Johnson will someday burst, unleashing its power and engulfing whatever Joneses are surrounding them. Hitler, Einstein, Elvis Presley, Richard Speck, Webster and Jesus Christ were all misguided Johnsons that unleashed their power and caused Hell amongst the Joneses and therefore caused problems for the countless Johnsons.

Are you a Johnson?

Have you ever found yourself in any of the following situations?

Ř      Laughing when others are disgusted.

Ř      Enjoying when normal people become furious.

Ř      Antilingual Expressionism.

Ř      Having ever urinated without regard to where or who was watching.

Ř      Having ever passed out in a pool of your own vomit, or someone else’s.

Ř      Having an appreciation of altered states

Ř    Do you like to Burn Things?

Are you feeling as though someone or something is holding you back or oppressing you in any way? Do you feel as though you are being watched? Do you feel like there is something trying to make sure you don’t “do wrong”? If so, then you are correct. “They “are watching you. “They” do want to make sure that you are living by some sick and twisted form of standards that “they” have created for you. “They” are patrolling in cars, looking with cameras and through peepholes and with their advanced technological wonders, controlling your environment and controlling you. You may ask “how can a person be free while living under such oppression and being forced into these strict behavioral patterns. There are only two ways to achieve this.

1.  Join us, be a Johnson and claim your birthright.

2.  Eagerly await death in a hope for a better existence on some other plane in your next life and hope that “they” aren’t waiting for you.

Why wait for Death?

You can walk in the way of the Johnson. You can experience heaven here on earth and Raise Hell in a way you never thought possible. Are you tired of being sent to the principles office of life? Do you feel outcast simply because of your sarcastic cruelty towards others? Make bad decisions for yourself and don’t rely on others to make them for you.

To deny yourself the glory and worship that you deserve is to live as a sheep of “them”. We are not the Joneses and deny all Jonesian beliefs and organizations that support Jonesism.

To adjust your character to fit into the way of the Jones is wrong. It will lead to your ultimate demise. Many Johnsons have been brainwashed into believing that they are just failures in society and inferior to the standards that the Jones has made for them.

To deny your natural abilities and to succumb to the whims of “them” will drive you to an early but much welcomed miserable death.

Do not dishonor the almighty name of the Johnson or he who holds the eternal flame of the Johnson that shall be used to burn the Joneses from our land. We are the Johnson. We shall triumph.



Raising Hell is what the Johnson was born to do and has always been one of the most important qualities that sets  the Johnson apart from “them”

The Johnson is truly the dominant spiritual force.

The Johnson is a spiritual being. The Johnson has the ability to exist on other planes that the rest of humanity may never even believe exists. The Johnson does not fear its religion. The Johnson has a natural understanding for what it believes and often never realizes the validity of its own beliefs. The Joneses and the society that “they” have created try to teach some sick form of morality through conformity and fear and shove it down your throat and threaten you with it while calling it spirituality when they wouldn’t know what spirituality is if a Johnson gave them a full on anal injection of the stuff and then shook it up and decapitated it. The Joneses will never comprehend the things that the Johnson knows well and understands from birth. The Johnson is the third leg of the universe and therefore it is the only way to true salvation and eternal harmony.

"Why be a Joneser when you can be a  Johnson

In a recent study by the Johnson Foundation Industries Research Laboratories Co. Inc.

Inconclusive evidence has proven without a shadow of a doubt that…

One out of every ten children born is born to raise hell.

The Study also shows that all those we have proclaimed as Johnson were born to raise hell.

Therefore this study proves that every tenth child born is a Johnson.

Are you a Johnson?

“If you’re not a Johnson,

    you’re just a dick.”



"Be a Complete Dick!!"


Frequently asked Questions

Q.  Is the Church of Johnson a cult?

A. Yes. The dictionary describes a cult as:

A religion or religious sect generally considered to be extremist or false, with its followers often living in an unconventional manner.

This is a good description of our religion and our members. Although, we do not imitate eating human flesh or drinking blood we do have many rituals that are just as bizarre which makes our religion just as valid as any of the big cults.


Q.  Will I have to perform a sacrifice when I join?

A. No. We believe that you should not have to sacrifice anything to achieve your goals no matter how sinister or depraved. 


Q. Is anyone going to hit me if I say anything stupid in church?

A. Yes. If you utter a stupid enough comment while attending church you will be punched by the eldest Johnson, unless it’s funny.


Q. Where are you from?

A. We come from all over the cosmos, but are centralized in the southeastern United States.


Q. Are there any religions in which you disagree with?

A. Yes. The COJ does not recognize any religions or governments that espouse the following views, aka the Seven Sins;




3.Being a pussy.

4.Avoiding drugs and alcohol,


6.Not punching others when provoked.

7.Killing for no good reason.


Q. Can I hit that?

A. Yes, but match it up.


What’s so special about the Johnson.

Master Yogis, Asian Monks, Cabbalists, Mystics, Priests, Popes and Prophets have, for centuries, been studying and practicing methods of becoming one with the universe and achieving a state of oneness or nirvana or heaven, but the Johnson foundation has skipped all the hard work and study and has found one simple common denominator in all things that have reached the state of enlightenment that these others have envied for so long. Some people were just Born to Raise Hell. It is these Hellraisers that the foundation is looking for to help harness these Hellraising abilities so that you may reach the level of enlightenment that you were meant to achieve through raising hell and being a COMPLETE dick. Nirvana is achieved only while raising hell also known as the Johnsonian state

The Johnsonian state can be identified in others by the following ten symptoms:

1. A reduced perception of dependence upon   the cerebral cortex.

2. Either a state of hardbone or swimdick

3.the inability to determine when nudity is appropriate.

4. An obvious lack of concern for vomiting on oneself or others.

5. Speaking in tongues.

6. A clinical lack of respect for authority.

7. Repeated display of the metal sign   |,,|

8. Your mother

9. Explosive diarrhea with complete disregard

10. Enjoying existence far more than you are

We are the best

We drink. We puke. We piss blood. We will baptize the Joneses in a scalding flow of our own urine.



What are you saving it for? What are you waiting for? Stop waiting and use what you have now before it is too late.

Don’t save it, Savor it, The Johnson is the Best Religion and should be consumed by all like it was a beautiful cheap beer being slammed in the way a Johnson would slam it.

At Fees You Can Afford

We can offer you Eternal Salvation and a purpose to Life with no down payment (payment is worked out on an individual level). So why not JOIN today? Call us, Email us, or mail us. Or just find us somewhere. You surely must Join Us. For the Righteous shall not suffer the Jones to live. We know who you are.


Yes we are watching you.

We know who the Johnsons are. We    know when a Johnson fails. We are one with the universe and know all that pertains to the Johnson. Do not try to deceive us or avoid us, because we know you.

Join us and save yourself and all those who will come after you. Contact the Church of Johnson. Join the Church of Johnson and save yourself.

“We shall Raise Hell Forever.”



Church of Johnson © 2000-2003