The History of Johnson

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(an excerpt from the Book of Johnson)

The History of Johnson

The History of our People was revealed to the Johnson while performing the heavy drinking rituals that have been passed down through countless generations of Johnson since the beginnings of prehistory and the beginning of all things.

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n the beginning there was the Johnson.  The Johnson raised hell freely throughout all of the land.  All was right with the universe and its third leg rejoiced.  Then the Joneses came.  The Joneses toiled endlessly at meaningless tasks of mediocrity.  The Joneses insisted that the Johnson keep up with them, but the Johnson refused.  The Johnson continued to raise hell.


The early Johnson knew to eat pork and not to let the pig tell it what to do.

Soon, the Joneses had multiplied and began to consume the land around the Johnson.  The Johnson continued to raise hell in spite of the efforts of the Jones to assimilate it.  This angered the Jones.  The Joneses plotted against the Johnson in hopes to bring about its ultimate destruction.

What the Jones did still affects us today.

The Joneses created society so that the Johnson could be outcast from it.  The Johnson raised hell within their society and with complete disregard.  The Johnson created the subculture.  From the Johnson emerged a subculture that defied every aspect of Jonesian society. And the Jones was angered once more.

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The Joneses created religion and all the masses of their people followed them, but the Johnson knew this as false and did not.  The Johnson saw its own spirit and recognized it and gave it praise.  The Johnson made its own religion based on its own spirituality and thwarted the scheme of the Jones once more.






The Joneses were angered and created law.  The laws of the Joneses were unjust and contrary to all of the beliefs of the Johnson and its religion.  The Johnsons were being imprisoned, tortured and murdered for the amusement of the Jones.  The day of the creation of law is the day that all the streets ran red with the blood of Johnson.





The Johnson was cast out.

Now the Johnson was without a home because the Joneses had conquered all of the land and imposed laws upon it and its inhabitants.  The Joneses appointed thugs that were of the mentality of the Jones to go out and smite the Johnson and put and end to its existence.  The few remaining Johnsons fled to the wilderness and third leg was flaccid.


The Johnson realized its superiority.

In the wilderness the Johnson became one with the natural forces of Hellraising and a new state of consciousness was discovered.  The truths of the intoxicating elements of the cosmos and the way of the beast were imbedded into the collective subconscious mind of the Johnson forever.  The Johnson created the magick of intoxication, alchololemy and moshinetics.

After a time the Jones believed that the Johnson was no more.  The Johnson’s numbers had diminished greatly, but a few Johnsons still remained.  Where once the Johnson masses had equaled that of the Jones, they were now only ten percent.

A great magikcal Johnson emerged from the wilderness and caste a spell on all of the inhabitants of the land and all that will come after them to insure the survival of the Johnson lineage.  The wizard had insured through his magick that every tenth child born would be born Johnson.  The lineage of the Johnson family is not linked by blood but by the mind and spirit and natural abilities of the hellraiser.  The Johnson has the spirit of the hellraiser.  By this magick the Johnson shall maintain its numbers until such a time as when the end of this time shall occur.

Some Johnsons were born into the world of the Jones and desperately tried to blend into Jonesian society while many wise Johnsons chose to stay in the wilderness.  The Johnsons that merged into the Jones world became celebrities and superstars and politicians and porn stars and dictators and mass murderers and cannibals.  They capitalized greatly from their superiority and knowledge of magick.  Some of the Jones population began to recognize these behavior patterns and knew that they could not be of the Jones.

When the Jones discovered that the Johnson had not been defeated but had only been made more powerful, the Jones was furious and created mind control.  As each new Johnson was born into the world it was taught that it was a Jones.  They were taught that all that the Johnson stands for is wrong.  They imbedded the minds of the youth with subconscious thoughts of what is wrong and how not to be.  The Johnson was their enemy.


The Suppression of the Johnson

Funnel exercises were taught to the unenlightened.

The Johnsons that were born into Jonesian society without knowing the truth about their heritage became some of the most dangerous creatures in all of existence.  Wars between unknown Johnson became common.  The Johnson that was raised as a Jones was full of the rage of the hellraiser and yet had no direction and no sense of focusing the power.  These are the Johnsons that never knew that they were Johnson.

Some Johnsons lived in the wilderness and others struggled to exist within the systematic living that the Jones had created for them to fail in.  The elder Johnsons in the wilderness who knew of the horrible and unholy ways of the Jones felt pity for the struggling exposed Johnsons and the torment that the Joneses were putting them through.

The elders began to inscribe messages on pamphlets and in short books of wisdom.  They created hieroglyphs to explain the powers that lie sleeping within the soul of the Johnson.  The Elders came down out of the wilderness and began their search for the Johnson.  The Johnsons had entered into the land of the Jones once more to bring forth the power of the Johnson upon the world and to Raise Hell in pure spite of the world of mediocrity that had been created around them.  

The Johnson had learned the secrets of Hellraising through its extremism and fear of normalcy.  They Johnson had found ways of consecrating holy ground and maintaining their way of life and a sense of anonymity.  They had learned to hide from the Jones.  They had learned to mask their true appearance and had learned the art of misinformation from the Joneses and used it to make the Jones believe that the Johnsons had become extinct once more and the Johnson hid among them.



The Johnson is eternal and shall forever remain ten percent until the time that ends this time comes.  The Johnson exists in more planes than the Jones could ever possibly comprehend.  The Jones will become paranoid about its obsession with the Johnson. The Joneses will kill and eat their young in rages of fury at the elusive Johnson.  The Johnson will be entertained by this and find ways to profit from the situation that each Jones has put itself into.

The Johnsons celebrated deep in the wilderness. The Johnson performed its rituals of magick in a place that the Jones would not go.  The Joneses fear the wilderness and the atmosphere that the Johnson has ignited around its ritual areas.  The Johnson in its entirety merged upon the consecrated land and commenced to eat pork and raise hell and defy all that the Joneses hold sacred. 

The Johnson is at home in the wilderness, for that is the place that the Jones will not tread and the place where its magick was born.  The Joneses will destroy these sacred areas and create an environment that is suitable for the masses of the Jones when the Johnson charge has weakened.  The Johnson must forever continue its customs and traditions and defy the Jones until the day when our Judgment is passed down upon “them” and “they” will feel the unholy wrath of the Johnson for all eternity.

The moment we have all been waiting for is upon us. We shall all rise and witness the coming of the Johnson. We will be ready. We will have our collective shit together and welcome the coming of the Johnson. This will be the day when the Jones realizes that the enemy it thought it had destroyed has survived and they know that we shall triumph. This will be the beginning of the reign of Johnson on Earth.  Amen.




Church of Johnson © 2000-2003