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These are a few of the questions that the Church receives on a regular basis. These are but a few answers that are, most likely too simple for the comprehension of the Joneses and their voluntary state of idiocy.

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    Q. What is the Church of Johnson?

        A. Click Here

    Q.  Is the Church of Johnson a cult?

        A. Yes.  Webster describes a cult as:

"A religion or religious sect generally considered to be extremist or false, with its followers often living in an unconventional manner."

This is a good description of our religion and our members. Although, we do not imitate eating human flesh or drinking blood we are just as valid as any of the big cults. Another difference is that our members are born and not recruited or coerced into their belief systems.

      Q.  Will I have to perform a sacrifice when I join?

        A. No. We believe that you should not have to sacrifice anything to achieve your goals no matter how sinister or depraved. 

      Q. Where are you from?

        A. We come from all over, but we are centralized in and around Atlanta, Georgia.  

                    (We will soon be expanding across the country.

    Q. Are there any religions in which you disagree with?

        A. Yes. The Church of Johnson does not support any religion or self appointed authority that espouse any of the the following views:

            1.Jonesism.

2.Self-deprivation.

3.Being a pussy.

4.Avoiding "altered states".

5.Anti-masterbatorialism

6.Being a "Dick".

7.Killing for no good reason.  

8. Skiing

    Q. Can I hit that?

        A. Yes, but match it up.

 

                What’s so special about the Johnson?             

We have achieved, by accident the things that others have sacrificed their lives for. Master Yogis, Monks, Cabbalists, Mystics, Priests, Popes and Prophets have, for centuries, been studying and practicing methods of becoming , in one way or another, one with the universe or achieving a state of nirvana or heaven or whatever whichever one calls it, but the Johnson foundation has skipped all the hard work and study and has found one simple common denominator in all things that have reached the state of enlightenment that these others have envied for so long. Some people were just Born to Raise Hell. It is these Hellraisers that the foundation is looking for to help harness these Hellraising abilities so that you may reach the level of enlightenment that you were meant to achieve through raising hell and being a COMPLETE dick. Nirvana is achieved only while raising hell also known as the" state of Sulominnajik awareness".

The  state of Sulominnajik awareness can be identified in others by looking for the following ten signs:  

1. A reduced perception of dependence upon the cerebral cortex.

2. Involuntary rod alteration.

3. The inability to determine when nudity is appropriate.

4. An obvious lack of concern for vomiting on oneself or others.

5. Speaking in tongues.

6. A clinical lack of respect for authority.

7. Repeated display of the holy signs.   |,,|

8. Your mother

9. Explosive diarrhea with complete disregard

10. Enjoying existence far more than everyone else.

 

 

   Contact the Church for more information...

 

 

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